How to Cope with Divorce When You Still Love Him: Healing Without Closure
Introduction
Still loving your ex-husband doesn’t make you foolish. It makes you human.
Maybe you didn’t want the divorce. Maybe you were blindsided. Or maybe you agreed to it but didn’t expect the grief to hit this hard. Whatever your story, if you’re here thinking, “I still love my ex-husband… So how do I move on?” — know this:
You are not alone.
Your feelings are valid.
And healing is still possible—even when love lingers.
In this guide, we’ll explore:
Why you still love him
How to sit with emotional pain without being consumed by it
What not to do when you feel stuck in love
Gentle steps to emotionally detach and reclaim yourself
Where to find support that truly understands
You don’t need to erase your love to begin healing. Let’s honor it—without letting it hold you back.
Why You Might Still Love Him
You Didn’t Want the Divorce
Sometimes the pain isn’t just about loss—it’s about powerlessness. If you didn’t choose the divorce, it can feel like your heart was dragged behind someone else’s decision.
You’re mourning not just what was, but what could have been—a future you were still invested in.
Long-Term Emotional Bonds Don’t Break Overnight
Even if the relationship was painful or unbalanced, emotional bonds—especially after years together—run deep. You may be experiencing:
Nostalgia for the good moments
Trauma bonding if the relationship involved emotional highs and lows
Genuine enduring love, where you still see the good in him
Let go of the idea that “I should be over this by now.” You don’t heal on anyone’s timeline.
Love Is Not a Switch — It’s a Process
Feelings don’t follow logic. You can know someone isn’t right for you and still love them. You can recognize the toxicity and still miss the touch.
“You can love someone and still decide they are not right for your life.” – Unknown
Letting go isn’t about denying love. It’s about choosing peace over attachment.
How to Sit With the Pain Without Letting It Consume You
What You’re Feeling Is Real — and Valid
It’s tempting to minimize your feelings or shame yourself for still being in love. But pushing those emotions down won’t help. In fact, it can prolong your pain.
Grief over a divorce—especially one from someone you still love—is complex. It includes:
Emotional longing
Identity confusion
Even physical symptoms like exhaustion, nausea, and insomnia
According to the APA, emotional recovery from divorce typically takes 1–2 years, depending on the depth of the relationship.
Create Space to Grieve the Relationship Fully
You’re not just grieving a person—you’re grieving:
Future holidays you imagined
Growing old together
The inside jokes, routines, shared history
This kind of loss deserves full grief. It’s okay to:
Cry daily
Talk to the version of him that lives in your head
Miss him and still not want him back
Journaling, Crying, Meditating — Tools to Express Without Judgment
Try the "Unsent Letter" exercise:
Write a letter to your ex as if you could say anything.
Say what hurt. Say what you miss. Say goodbye.
Then burn it, shred it, or save it—but don’t send it.
Also consider:
Guided meditations for heartbreak
Crying in the shower (it’s a safe, private space)
Daily journaling prompts like:
“Today, I wish I could tell him…”
“Loving him taught me…”
What NOT to Do When You Still Love Him
Don’t Beg, Chase, or Reopen the Wound
Every time you text, check his social, or ask “Can we talk?”, you're reopening a scab that’s trying to heal.
Emotional relapses are normal—but giving in to them can prolong the grief.
Set limits:
Block or mute him temporarily if needed
Ask a friend to help you stay accountable
Remember that no new conversation will erase the old pain
Don’t Suppress or Numb the Feelings
Pushing feelings down often leads to:
Anxiety
Depression
Unexplained physical symptoms
Don’t feel weak for crying. Don’t feel crazy for missing him. Don’t drown your pain in alcohol, rebound flings, or overworking.
What’s not expressed will eventually demand your attention.
Don’t Let Hope Override Reality
Redefining “You” After Divorce
Hope can be comforting—but also dangerous. Holding onto false hope can keep you stuck in a fantasy.
Instead, try Radical Acceptance — a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):
“This is happening. I don’t have to like it. But I accept that I cannot change it.”
Acceptance isn’t defeat. It’s the first breath of freedom.
Steps to Emotionally Detach and Reclaim Yourself
Emotional Boundaries – Redefine the Relationship (Even If Co-Parenting)
If you still have contact (e.g., co-parenting), shift how you engage:
Keep conversations transactional, not emotional
Don’t seek validation or flirtation
Avoid sharing your feelings unless it’s part of closure
You’re redefining the emotional contract. He is no longer your comfort zone.
“Love Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stay” – Reframing the Narrative
It’s possible to:
Love him and leave him
Miss him and not go back
Remember the good and still choose yourself
“Healing after divorce from someone you love is like carrying two truths: I still love him. I know I must move on.”
Pour That Love Back Into Yourself
All that love you have for him? Redirect it:
Nurture your body with good food, rest, and gentle movement
Take up a creative outlet (art, music, writing)
Practice self-talk that’s kind:
“I am worthy, even when I feel broken.”
“My love is not wasted—it was real, and so is my healing.”
Who Can Help You Heal
Talking to a Therapist or Divorce Coach
Therapy isn’t just for the broken—it’s for the becoming.
A therapist gives you:
A container for your emotions
Tools to manage grief
A mirror for your worth when you forget it
Recommended expert: Kevin Van Liere
Joining a Support Group of Others Who Understand
Sometimes the most healing words are:
“I’ve been there too.”
Find community through:
Facebook groups for women post-divorce
Local or virtual support groups
Podcasts like The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
These spaces remind you: you’re not alone.
Final Words: Love Doesn’t Disqualify You From Healing
You are allowed to:
Miss him
Cry about him
Still feel love for him
AND
Set boundaries
Choose healing
Build a new life
Love doesn’t mean you wait. Love doesn’t mean you chase.
Love means honoring what was—and trusting that what’s next can still be beautiful.
You can give yourself closure. You can give yourself peace.
Related Posts
How to Release Anger After Divorce (Without Forgiving)
How to Release Anger After Divorce (Without Forgiving)
Anger after divorce can feel like proof that what happened mattered.
And honestly—sometimes it is totally justified.
But here’s the problem: having a good reason doesn’t make anger disappear. And if it stays stuck inside you long enough, it doesn’t just “fade with time.” It starts leaking into everything—your sleep, your health, your focus, your relationships, and your parenting.
A lot of people have heard some version of this line:
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
It’s a powerful idea (and it’s widely repeated with different attributions). (Fake Buddha Quotes)
Whether you love that quote or hate it, the point is real: unreleased anger hurts the person carrying it.
1) Why divorce anger happens: it’s a “safety violation”
In relationships, there’s a core question running in the background:
“Am I safe with you?”
When betrayal hits—an affair, deception, abandonment, disrespect, manipulation—your system registers it as a threat. That’s why anger can show up so fast and feel so intense.
Anger isn’t “random.” In this model, it’s protective energy after a safety violation.
And that’s important, because when you understand what anger is for, it becomes something you can work with—rather than something you’re ashamed of.
2) Most anger starts as a thought, not a behavior
A lot of people assume anger is just “how they act.”
But for most people, it begins earlier than that.
It starts as a thought like:
“I don’t matter.”
“I was deceived.”
“Was it all built on a lie?”
Those thoughts hit the nervous system like a threat.
Then anger shows up to protect you.
This is why you can’t simply “logic your way out of it.” Your body is responding to what it believes is dangerous.
3) Anger is often the “top emotion” — what’s underneath matters
Anger is frequently the most visible emotion. It’s the one you can feel in your chest, your jaw, your hands.
But anger is often protecting a deeper layer—feelings we don’t like to feel, such as:
hurt
fear
shame
grief
confusion
anxiety
So one of the best questions you can ask when anger is rising is:
“What is this protecting?”
“If I wasn’t angry, what would I feel?”
This isn’t about making anger “wrong.” It’s about getting accurate—because accuracy is what helps you move forward.
4) Unprocessed anger isn’t harmless — it goes outward or inward
Anger is energy.
If it doesn’t move through you, it tends to move into your life.
In the divorce world, a pattern shows up again and again:
Option A: It goes outward
That can look like:
passive anger
picking fights
revenge behavior
making the other person’s life harder
yelling, breaking things, escalating conflict
Option B: It goes inward
This is where people often get blindsided.
When anger gets trapped inside, it can harden into:
resentment
numbness
shutdown
depression (often anger with nowhere to go)
(If you’ve ever thought, “I’m not even angry anymore… I’m just tired,” that’s worth paying attention to.)
5) Resentment isn’t a personality trait — it’s anger + time
Resentment doesn’t usually appear overnight.
A simple way to say it:
Resentment is unexpressed anger plus time.
That’s why “waiting for it to dissipate” usually isn’t a strategy. It often turns into avoidance, and avoidance builds pressure.
So the goal isn’t “manage it forever.”
The goal is release—so it doesn’t calcify into something that runs your life.
6) Current anger vs. past (stored) anger: don’t mix these up
This is a huge distinction:
Current anger
This is anger about what’s happening now:
texts
custody conflict
court
finances
disrespect
ongoing problems
Current anger often needs boundaries.
Past anger (stored anger)
Divorce often activates older pain:
old abandonment
old shame
powerlessness
old betrayals
Past anger needs processing.
When people mix these up, they stay stuck.
Why? Because they try to “process” what actually needs a boundary, or they try to “boundary” what actually needs emotional release.
7) Grief and anger are often “joined at the hip”
In divorce recovery, grief and anger often travel together.
Sometimes grief triggers anger. Sometimes anger triggers more grief.
This is one reason people can feel like they’re “going in circles.”
And it’s also why—after decades of working with people—this process tends to go better when grief work and anger work are handled clearly (instead of trying to force both at the same time).
8) Releasing anger is not the same thing as forgiving
This is where a lot of people get stuck:
They don’t want to let go of anger because it feels like letting the other person “off the hook.”
But here’s the reframe:
Releasing anger isn’t forgiveness. It’s removing poison from your own system.
You can still have standards.
You can still have boundaries.
You can still tell the truth about what happened.
Releasing anger is simply refusing to let it keep costing you.
If you want a single line to remember:
The goal isn’t to be nice. The goal is to be free.
9) If you have kids: anger control isn’t optional
If you’re co-parenting, anger has extra consequences.
Kids don’t need you to be perfect—but they do need you to be regulated.
Using children to get back at the other parent (or leaning on them emotionally) doesn’t just “blow off steam.” It puts them in the middle.
And kids fundamentally want to love both parents. (Many co-parenting resources emphasize how conflict and hostile co-parenting dynamics can harm kids’ emotional safety.) (OurFamilyWizard)
So if you’re thinking, “I can live with my anger,” the hard truth is: your kids can’t.
Regulation is one of the most protective gifts you can give them during divorce.
10) A simple next step: measure what you’re dealing with
One reason people stay stuck is they’re guessing.
They don’t know if they’re “a little angry” or living with a level of anger that’s wrecking their body and brain.
That’s why measurement helps: it turns a foggy emotional experience into something you can actually work with.
Next steps (choose one):
Take the self-test to get a baseline of where you are right now (including anger).
Or watch the full video episode if you want the complete model and the full teaching.
(Place your links here)
Self-Test: https://rebuilders.net/self-test
Full video episode:
FAQ
How long does anger last after divorce?
There’s no single timeline. Anger tends to last longer when it’s being avoided, suppressed, or constantly re-triggered by ongoing conflict. The more you learn to process and release it, the less it controls your day-to-day.
Is it bad to feel angry after divorce?
No. Anger is common and often understandable. The issue isn’t the emotion—it’s what happens when anger stays trapped in your system and starts shaping your health, your decisions, and your relationships.
Do I have to forgive to heal?
No. Forgiveness and emotional release aren’t the same thing. You can release anger for your own freedom without excusing what happened or reconciling.
What if my ex keeps triggering me?
Then you likely need two tracks: boundaries for current triggers, and processing for stored anger that makes you reactive. Mixing those up is a big reason people stay stuck.
