How to Cope with Divorce When You Still Love Him: Healing Without Closure
Introduction
Still loving your ex-husband doesn’t make you foolish. It makes you human.
Maybe you didn’t want the divorce. Maybe you were blindsided. Or maybe you agreed to it but didn’t expect the grief to hit this hard. Whatever your story, if you’re here thinking, “I still love my ex-husband… So how do I move on?” — know this:
You are not alone.
Your feelings are valid.
And healing is still possible—even when love lingers.
In this guide, we’ll explore:
Why you still love him
How to sit with emotional pain without being consumed by it
What not to do when you feel stuck in love
Gentle steps to emotionally detach and reclaim yourself
Where to find support that truly understands
You don’t need to erase your love to begin healing. Let’s honor it—without letting it hold you back.
Why You Might Still Love Him
You Didn’t Want the Divorce
Sometimes the pain isn’t just about loss—it’s about powerlessness. If you didn’t choose the divorce, it can feel like your heart was dragged behind someone else’s decision.
You’re mourning not just what was, but what could have been—a future you were still invested in.
Long-Term Emotional Bonds Don’t Break Overnight
Even if the relationship was painful or unbalanced, emotional bonds—especially after years together—run deep. You may be experiencing:
Nostalgia for the good moments
Trauma bonding if the relationship involved emotional highs and lows
Genuine enduring love, where you still see the good in him
Let go of the idea that “I should be over this by now.” You don’t heal on anyone’s timeline.
Love Is Not a Switch — It’s a Process
Feelings don’t follow logic. You can know someone isn’t right for you and still love them. You can recognize the toxicity and still miss the touch.
“You can love someone and still decide they are not right for your life.” – Unknown
Letting go isn’t about denying love. It’s about choosing peace over attachment.
How to Sit With the Pain Without Letting It Consume You
What You’re Feeling Is Real — and Valid
It’s tempting to minimize your feelings or shame yourself for still being in love. But pushing those emotions down won’t help. In fact, it can prolong your pain.
Grief over a divorce—especially one from someone you still love—is complex. It includes:
Emotional longing
Identity confusion
Even physical symptoms like exhaustion, nausea, and insomnia
According to the APA, emotional recovery from divorce typically takes 1–2 years, depending on the depth of the relationship.
Create Space to Grieve the Relationship Fully
You’re not just grieving a person—you’re grieving:
Future holidays you imagined
Growing old together
The inside jokes, routines, shared history
This kind of loss deserves full grief. It’s okay to:
Cry daily
Talk to the version of him that lives in your head
Miss him and still not want him back
Journaling, Crying, Meditating — Tools to Express Without Judgment
Try the "Unsent Letter" exercise:
Write a letter to your ex as if you could say anything.
Say what hurt. Say what you miss. Say goodbye.
Then burn it, shred it, or save it—but don’t send it.
Also consider:
Guided meditations for heartbreak
Crying in the shower (it’s a safe, private space)
Daily journaling prompts like:
“Today, I wish I could tell him…”
“Loving him taught me…”
What NOT to Do When You Still Love Him
Don’t Beg, Chase, or Reopen the Wound
Every time you text, check his social, or ask “Can we talk?”, you're reopening a scab that’s trying to heal.
Emotional relapses are normal—but giving in to them can prolong the grief.
Set limits:
Block or mute him temporarily if needed
Ask a friend to help you stay accountable
Remember that no new conversation will erase the old pain
Don’t Suppress or Numb the Feelings
Pushing feelings down often leads to:
Anxiety
Depression
Unexplained physical symptoms
Don’t feel weak for crying. Don’t feel crazy for missing him. Don’t drown your pain in alcohol, rebound flings, or overworking.
What’s not expressed will eventually demand your attention.
Don’t Let Hope Override Reality
Redefining “You” After Divorce
Hope can be comforting—but also dangerous. Holding onto false hope can keep you stuck in a fantasy.
Instead, try Radical Acceptance — a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):
“This is happening. I don’t have to like it. But I accept that I cannot change it.”
Acceptance isn’t defeat. It’s the first breath of freedom.
Steps to Emotionally Detach and Reclaim Yourself
Emotional Boundaries – Redefine the Relationship (Even If Co-Parenting)
If you still have contact (e.g., co-parenting), shift how you engage:
Keep conversations transactional, not emotional
Don’t seek validation or flirtation
Avoid sharing your feelings unless it’s part of closure
You’re redefining the emotional contract. He is no longer your comfort zone.
“Love Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stay” – Reframing the Narrative
It’s possible to:
Love him and leave him
Miss him and not go back
Remember the good and still choose yourself
“Healing after divorce from someone you love is like carrying two truths: I still love him. I know I must move on.”
Pour That Love Back Into Yourself
All that love you have for him? Redirect it:
Nurture your body with good food, rest, and gentle movement
Take up a creative outlet (art, music, writing)
Practice self-talk that’s kind:
“I am worthy, even when I feel broken.”
“My love is not wasted—it was real, and so is my healing.”
Who Can Help You Heal
Talking to a Therapist or Divorce Coach
Therapy isn’t just for the broken—it’s for the becoming.
A therapist gives you:
A container for your emotions
Tools to manage grief
A mirror for your worth when you forget it
Recommended expert: Kevin Van Liere
Joining a Support Group of Others Who Understand
Sometimes the most healing words are:
“I’ve been there too.”
Find community through:
Facebook groups for women post-divorce
Local or virtual support groups
Podcasts like The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
These spaces remind you: you’re not alone.
Final Words: Love Doesn’t Disqualify You From Healing
You are allowed to:
Miss him
Cry about him
Still feel love for him
AND
Set boundaries
Choose healing
Build a new life
Love doesn’t mean you wait. Love doesn’t mean you chase.
Love means honoring what was—and trusting that what’s next can still be beautiful.
You can give yourself closure. You can give yourself peace.
Related Posts
Dealing with Loneliness After Divorce: Ways to Reconnect and Find Joy
Divorce changes everything about your life, including your routines, relationships, and sense of belonging. After a divorce, one of the hardest things for many people to deal with is being alone. It can be hard to deal with the quiet at home, the lack of a partner, and the change in social circles. But being alone doesn't have to be the main thing about this part of your life. You can reconnect with yourself, fix relationships, and find happiness again if you take the right steps.
Why Loneliness Hits So Hard After Divorce
When someone you've lived with is gone, it leaves a big hole in your life. Divorce can change your relationships with friends, family, and even who you are every day. It's not just that you miss your ex; you have to get used to a new way of life.
Note: Studies show that people who have been divorced are more likely to be alone, which can be bad for their mental and physical health. The first step toward healing is to admit that this is a problem.
Practical Ways to Deal with Loneliness After Divorce
1. Rebuild Your Social Circles
Get in touch with old friends you may have lost touch with.
Take part in community events, classes, or clubs.
Talk to other people who have been through a divorce; it will make you feel less alone.
2. Focus on Self-Rediscovery
It can feel like losing part of who you are when you get divorced. Use this time to find out who you are when you're not married.
Try new things or go back to things you used to love.
Write down your thoughts and goals.
Instead of rushing into a new relationship, work on yourself.
3. Build a New Routine
Making structure helps fill in the gaps that are left behind.
Do things like exercise, meditate, or write in a journal every morning to start your day.
Set goals for each week to keep yourself going.
Do volunteer work or take on projects that give you a sense of purpose.
4. Prioritize Mental and Physical Health
Working out regularly lowers stress and makes you feel better.
Eat healthy foods to keep your energy up.
If you feel like you're too lonely, get help from a professional.
Emotional Strategies to Overcome Loneliness
Practice Self-Compassion
After a divorce, it's normal to feel alone. Don't judge yourself; be kind to your feelings instead.
Shift Your Mindset
Instead of thinking of alone time as "empty," think of it as a chance to recharge and grow.
Stay Connected Digitally
If you find it hard to connect with people in person, use social media, online communities, or video calls to get help.
Rediscovering Joy After Divorce
Healing isn't just about getting better; it's about getting better. Start with a small step:
Go out by yourself to a coffee shop, movie, or hiking trail.
Go on a trip or see new places.
Make up traditions just for you and your kids (if you have kids).
Tip: Joy doesn't always come in big events. It can often be found in small, planned actions.
Key Takeaways
After a divorce, it's common to feel lonely, but this feeling doesn't last long.
Rebuilding social ties and routines can help people who feel alone.
For long-term healing, it's important to take care of yourself, get emotional support, and rediscover yourself.
You can use loneliness as a chance to grow and be happy if you give it time and thought.
