How to Cope with Divorce When You Still Love Him: Healing Without Closure
Introduction
Still loving your ex-husband doesn’t make you foolish. It makes you human.
Maybe you didn’t want the divorce. Maybe you were blindsided. Or maybe you agreed to it but didn’t expect the grief to hit this hard. Whatever your story, if you’re here thinking, “I still love my ex-husband… So how do I move on?” — know this:
You are not alone.
Your feelings are valid.
And healing is still possible—even when love lingers.
In this guide, we’ll explore:
Why you still love him
How to sit with emotional pain without being consumed by it
What not to do when you feel stuck in love
Gentle steps to emotionally detach and reclaim yourself
Where to find support that truly understands
You don’t need to erase your love to begin healing. Let’s honor it—without letting it hold you back.
Why You Might Still Love Him
You Didn’t Want the Divorce
Sometimes the pain isn’t just about loss—it’s about powerlessness. If you didn’t choose the divorce, it can feel like your heart was dragged behind someone else’s decision.
You’re mourning not just what was, but what could have been—a future you were still invested in.
Long-Term Emotional Bonds Don’t Break Overnight
Even if the relationship was painful or unbalanced, emotional bonds—especially after years together—run deep. You may be experiencing:
Nostalgia for the good moments
Trauma bonding if the relationship involved emotional highs and lows
Genuine enduring love, where you still see the good in him
Let go of the idea that “I should be over this by now.” You don’t heal on anyone’s timeline.
Love Is Not a Switch — It’s a Process
Feelings don’t follow logic. You can know someone isn’t right for you and still love them. You can recognize the toxicity and still miss the touch.
“You can love someone and still decide they are not right for your life.” – Unknown
Letting go isn’t about denying love. It’s about choosing peace over attachment.
How to Sit With the Pain Without Letting It Consume You
What You’re Feeling Is Real — and Valid
It’s tempting to minimize your feelings or shame yourself for still being in love. But pushing those emotions down won’t help. In fact, it can prolong your pain.
Grief over a divorce—especially one from someone you still love—is complex. It includes:
Emotional longing
Identity confusion
Even physical symptoms like exhaustion, nausea, and insomnia
According to the APA, emotional recovery from divorce typically takes 1–2 years, depending on the depth of the relationship.
Create Space to Grieve the Relationship Fully
You’re not just grieving a person—you’re grieving:
Future holidays you imagined
Growing old together
The inside jokes, routines, shared history
This kind of loss deserves full grief. It’s okay to:
Cry daily
Talk to the version of him that lives in your head
Miss him and still not want him back
Journaling, Crying, Meditating — Tools to Express Without Judgment
Try the "Unsent Letter" exercise:
Write a letter to your ex as if you could say anything.
Say what hurt. Say what you miss. Say goodbye.
Then burn it, shred it, or save it—but don’t send it.
Also consider:
Guided meditations for heartbreak
Crying in the shower (it’s a safe, private space)
Daily journaling prompts like:
“Today, I wish I could tell him…”
“Loving him taught me…”
What NOT to Do When You Still Love Him
Don’t Beg, Chase, or Reopen the Wound
Every time you text, check his social, or ask “Can we talk?”, you're reopening a scab that’s trying to heal.
Emotional relapses are normal—but giving in to them can prolong the grief.
Set limits:
Block or mute him temporarily if needed
Ask a friend to help you stay accountable
Remember that no new conversation will erase the old pain
Don’t Suppress or Numb the Feelings
Pushing feelings down often leads to:
Anxiety
Depression
Unexplained physical symptoms
Don’t feel weak for crying. Don’t feel crazy for missing him. Don’t drown your pain in alcohol, rebound flings, or overworking.
What’s not expressed will eventually demand your attention.
Don’t Let Hope Override Reality
Redefining “You” After Divorce
Hope can be comforting—but also dangerous. Holding onto false hope can keep you stuck in a fantasy.
Instead, try Radical Acceptance — a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):
“This is happening. I don’t have to like it. But I accept that I cannot change it.”
Acceptance isn’t defeat. It’s the first breath of freedom.
Steps to Emotionally Detach and Reclaim Yourself
Emotional Boundaries – Redefine the Relationship (Even If Co-Parenting)
If you still have contact (e.g., co-parenting), shift how you engage:
Keep conversations transactional, not emotional
Don’t seek validation or flirtation
Avoid sharing your feelings unless it’s part of closure
You’re redefining the emotional contract. He is no longer your comfort zone.
“Love Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stay” – Reframing the Narrative
It’s possible to:
Love him and leave him
Miss him and not go back
Remember the good and still choose yourself
“Healing after divorce from someone you love is like carrying two truths: I still love him. I know I must move on.”
Pour That Love Back Into Yourself
All that love you have for him? Redirect it:
Nurture your body with good food, rest, and gentle movement
Take up a creative outlet (art, music, writing)
Practice self-talk that’s kind:
“I am worthy, even when I feel broken.”
“My love is not wasted—it was real, and so is my healing.”
Who Can Help You Heal
Talking to a Therapist or Divorce Coach
Therapy isn’t just for the broken—it’s for the becoming.
A therapist gives you:
A container for your emotions
Tools to manage grief
A mirror for your worth when you forget it
Recommended expert: Kevin Van Liere
Joining a Support Group of Others Who Understand
Sometimes the most healing words are:
“I’ve been there too.”
Find community through:
Facebook groups for women post-divorce
Local or virtual support groups
Podcasts like The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
These spaces remind you: you’re not alone.
Final Words: Love Doesn’t Disqualify You From Healing
You are allowed to:
Miss him
Cry about him
Still feel love for him
AND
Set boundaries
Choose healing
Build a new life
Love doesn’t mean you wait. Love doesn’t mean you chase.
Love means honoring what was—and trusting that what’s next can still be beautiful.
You can give yourself closure. You can give yourself peace.
Related Posts
Dating After Separation: Tips to Find Love Again
Stepping back into dating after a separation can feel like a big leap—maybe a little exciting, maybe a bit nerve-wracking. You might be wondering, “How long after divorce to date?” or “How do I even start dating after divorce?” At Rebuilders International, we’ve helped tons of people rediscover the joy of dating after divorce, and we’re here to help you too. This page is all about easing you into post divorce dating, answering questions like how soon to date after divorce and sharing practical tips for dating after divorce. Let’s dive into this new chapter with a fresh perspective, so you can find love again on your terms.
Are You Ready to Jump Back In?
A big question people often ask is, “How long after separation can you date?” or “How long to wait to date after divorce?” Honestly, there’s no magic number—it’s all about how you feel. If your heart’s still heavy from the breakup, you might need a bit more time to heal. Some folks feel ready in a few months, while others take a year or more. At Rebuilders, we suggest asking yourself: Are you genuinely excited to meet someone new, or does the idea feel like a chore? If it feels forced, it might be worth waiting a little longer.
Another way to think about how long after divorce to start dating is to check in with your emotions. Many in our community say they felt ready when they could think about their ex without feeling overwhelmed—and when they started feeling curious about new connections. Not sure where you stand? Our Virtual (Zoom) Classes—starting every 2-3 weeks—are a great place to connect with others and figure out if you’re ready.
Want to rebuild every part of your life after divorce? Check out our main page, Post-Divorce Life: A Complete Guide, for a full roadmap to thriving.
Getting Yourself Ready for Dating
Boosting Your Confidence
When it comes to how to start dating after divorce, it all starts with feeling good about yourself. After a separation, you might feel a little unsure about putting yourself out there. Focus on what makes you awesome—your sense of humor, your passions, or even your quirky habits. Rebuilders loves suggesting small confidence boosters, like trying a new look or picking up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. You don’t have to be perfect to date; you just have to be you.
Going at Your Own Speed
Wondering how soon to start dating after divorce or how soon is too soon to date after divorce? There’s no rush, and you get to decide what feels right. Some people dive in after a few months, while others wait longer. If friends or family are pushing you to date before you’re ready, it’s okay to say, “I need more time.” Rebuilders is all about supporting you at your own pace—our Self-Paced eCourse lets you explore this topic whenever you’re ready.
Knowing What You’re Looking For
Before jumping into dating after separation, take a moment to think about what you want. Are you looking for something casual, or are you hoping for a deeper connection? Knowing this can help you feel more in control. Grab a notebook and jot down a few things you’d love in a partner—maybe someone who’s kind, funny, or shares your love for hiking. Having clarity can make your first date after divorce feel a lot less stressful.
Real Tips for Dating After Divorce
Where to Meet New People
If you’re wondering, “How do you meet someone after divorce?”—don’t worry, there are lots of ways! Start with what feels easy for you. Maybe that’s joining a local group, signing up for a dating app, or asking a friend to set you up. Rebuilders’ New Friends Divorce Support Hub (free to join) is a great spot to meet people in a relaxed way, and you never know who you might click with.
Taking That First Step
Your first date after divorce doesn’t need to be a big production. Keep it simple—a coffee date or a quick walk somewhere nice can be perfect. Be upfront about your situation; most people appreciate honesty. A tip from our community: Share a little about your post divorce dating experience to break the ice. If the date doesn’t go as planned, no big deal—it’s all part of the process.
Handling the Tricky Moments
Let’s talk about some dating advice after divorce for those awkward situations. What if your date asks about your ex? You can keep it light: “That’s behind me, and I’m excited to be here with you.” If you’re nervous about how to date after divorce, try practicing a few conversation ideas beforehand. Rebuilders’ Every Tuesday Night Support Group ($47/year) is a great place to share your worries and get feedback from others who’ve been there.
Answering Your Dating Questions
How Long Should You Wait?
When it comes to how long after divorce to date, it really depends on you. Some people wait six months, others a year—it’s all about your healing process. If you’re co-parenting or dealing with legal stuff, you might want to wait until things settle down. Rebuilders’ experts can help you figure out your timeline through Private Coaching (1:1 with a divorce coach).
What If It Feels Too Early?
If you’re wondering how soon to date after divorce and it feels overwhelming, that’s a sign to slow down. Take our free Emotional Survey to get a sense of where you’re at emotionally—it’ll help you decide if you’re ready or need more time.
What If You Face Rejection?
Rejection can sting, especially in dating after separation. But don’t let it get you down—it’s often more about the other person than you. See it as a chance to learn and keep going. Our community loves sharing stories, and you can too in our support groups.
How Rebuilders Supports Your Dating Journey
At Rebuilders International, we’re here to make dating after divorce a positive experience. We offer:
Personalized Support: One-on-one Private Coaching to help you feel confident.
A Supportive Community: Groups to connect with others, like our In-Person (Local) Classes starting every three months.
Practical Resources: Tools like our Rebuilders Workbook ($14.99) with dating tips.
We’ve helped so many people find love and happiness again through post divorce dating, and we’re here for you too.
Your Next Steps to Finding Love
Dating after separation is a chance to rediscover yourself and open your heart to new possibilities. Whether you’re figuring out how to begin dating after divorce or getting ready for your first date after divorce, Rebuilders has your back with real tips for dating after divorce. Take it one step at a time, and let us help you along the way.
Ready to find love again? Take our free Emotional Survey to get a roadmap for your dating journey, or join our Virtual (Zoom) Classes to connect with others. Let’s write your post divorce dating story together.
