Interpreting Your Results
Now you have seen your results. What do the categories mean?
Wait, where did this quiz come from?
No, we didn’t just make up these questions for fun. They are actually from the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale. They were developed in the 1970s by Dr. Bruce Fisher. The scale has been found to be a very accurate representation of a person’s adjustment to divorce in multiple studies. As you progress in your personal development you may re-take the assessment at any time and see how you have improved. If you would like to know more feel free to send us an email about it and we can give you a LOT more information.
For most readers you just want to figure out where you are. So here are the categories and what they mean.
The Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale Categories
When you look at your results you will see 6 different categories. Each category is an important measure of your adjustment to your divorce. To be considered “healthy” after a divorce you ideally want each category score to be at least 80%, or a score of 24 or above.
You have a lot on your mind
We know from your scores that you are struggling. Not just a little. A lot. Your divorce has been traumatic. Your whole life is chaotic. Maybe there are some bright spots. You might have a job that gives you an escape from the pressures at home. You might have one good friend that is willing to listen. But overall you are trying to sort through the emotions of anger, sadness, and shame on your own. You are probably also trying to figure out the day to day logistics: where are you going to live? How will the money work out? Who gets what in the divorce? How am I going to communicate constructively with my ex? There are so many pieces to figure out. The logistics are hard but once they get sorted out there is some stability. The emotional stuff is harder. You don’t have a “How to” manual for dealing with the anger or the sadness or the shame (Hint: there IS a manual for this).
You are not alone
How do we know that you are going through this stuff? Because we have been there ourselves. Because MILLIONS OF PEOPLE have also walked this same road as you. The path you are on is well worn. Many, many, many people have felt the way you do now. Your feelings are normal. You are not defective. You are not broken. You are not the only one to be struggling.
“We all need and deserve more support, not less.” – Anonymous
I was a pretty crippled bird just kind of limping around. Again, we were two good people and it just stopped working. But what was my life going to be like? Was I going to have money? Was I going to manage? Where was I going to live? Would I have any friends? That’s a big one for me because relationship is very important to me. A lot of my friends admitted later that they didn’t know how to interact with me, so they didn’t.
It's actually a good thing that you are struggling
If you are struggling so much I’d like you to consider something surprising. We are going to share something that is eye-popping to most people in your situation. We know why you are struggling so much. Here’s why: because you cared so deeply for that other person, and that’s why you are hurting so much. You can be proud that you are a person that can feel so much. Some people can leave a long relationship and not think twice. That’s concerning because they aren’t connected to their feelings. People that hurt deeply are also able to feel extreme joy. They are alive. YOU are alive. Be proud of that. Hang on to that. Acknowledge yourself for having depth of feeling. You are not a robot.
NO REVERSE OPTION
Life isn’t what it used to be
Here’s the problem. Life has taken a hard left. You can’t go back to the way it was. You have to figure out what path you are going to take as you go forward. You have to figure out your own situation. If you have kids, you have to take them into account as well. Navigating this path is complicated. There is no one right answer. Each piece of the puzzle needs to be sorted out.
You are not the first person to get divorced and you aren’t going to be the last. But each person must make their choice as to how to they are going to handle it.
Time DOES NOT heal all wounds.
If you break your leg, do you keep walking around and wait until it feels better? Umm no. You go to the doctor and get a cast.
Once you get the cast off do you just start walking around again? Umm no. Your muscles are totally deteriorated. You have to do some Physical Therapy. Or at least you should, otherwise you will walk with a limp for the rest of your life.
Divorce is way worse than a broken leg. Its like falling out of a plane without a parachute. It’s terrifying on the way down and the sudden stop at the end is even worse.
Just like breaking your leg or falling out of a plane, divorce is emotional trauma. Its very serious. Its your soul falling out of a plane without a parachute. You don’t just wait for time to heal your soul. Time just masks the pain. You get used to it. You harden your mind against it. Or you numb yourself against the pain. Alcohol, Drugs, Unhealthy relationships, Overwork, extreme exercise. These are all great ways to avoid the real issues.
So if time doesn’t heal all wounds then is there a way to actual heal from the trauma of divorce?
YES, there are 2 critical steps that you need to go through to actually HEAL from the trauma of divorce and raise your scores dramatically. So let’s talk about that now.
We’ve give you your assessment results.
We’ve given you the definitions of the categories on your results.
The next question is how do you raise your scores?
How do you recover?
How do you start to rebuild your life?
There are two major things that you need to do. You can’t do one and not the other. They work together but they are very different. If you aren’t willing to do both you will continue to struggle.
So let’s talk about the first area you need to focus on.
You need a support system. You need to surround yourself with people that you can talk to. You are going to have to process what happened in your relationship and that is very difficult to do on your own. So let’s talk more about that.
A SUPPORT SYSTEM
You can’t do this alone
(you might feel that way though!)
When a person tries to process their divorce alone they miss out on perspective. They miss out on the acceptance of others. There is tremendous power in sharing with another person or group your true, unfiltered thoughts. To be able to tell someone how you really feel, without being judged, without being criticized. When you have friends, family, and peers that you can share your intimate details with it warms your heart. You can start to release the anxiety, the shame, the self doubt.
Here are some of the most common benefits of having a support group:
There are different kinds of support:
- friends and family
- Peers going through same feelings
My wife had two affairs before we decided to divorce. She wanted an open relationship. She wanted to keep everything the same: stay in the same house, keep her job, stay married. But she wanted to be able to sleep with other guys. I couldn’t understand that. I couldn’t wrap my head around what she was saying she wanted and what she was doing. I didn’t realize I needed some perspective.
In one of my Rebuilder’s classes a woman in my group was visibly upset. We were sharing our stories of “What Happened”. She admitted to our group, for the first time to anyone, that she had had an affair. She said the reason she did it was that she knew it was hard limit for her husband. It was the only way she would be able to get out of the marriage. She felt horrible about it. She was ashamed. She felt so guilty.
I heard myself telling her that day, “It’s okay. I understand why you did it. It makes sense.” What I didn’t have words for that day was that I now understood why my wife had two affairs. There WERE reasons why she did it. It wasn’t a whim. She was trying to fulfill a need that she wasn’t getting. In a small but profound way this conversation shifted my thinking about affairs. They are a violation of trust in a marriage but at a deeper level they are an indicator of a deeper problem. People have affairs for many reasons but at the end of the day they fulfill a need.
The 2 Kinds of Support
It is helpful to understand the two kinds of support that are available as you go through the divorce process. The first kind is friends and family.
1. Friends and Family
Friends and family probably know your ex or Soon-To-Be-Ex (STBX). When you talk to them about what is going on you don’t have to explain the type of person he or she is. They have a history with you. They understand your life, your values, your situation. In some cases they will support you no matter what you said or did. There is an unconditional support for you.
But there are some problems with friends and family. Here are just some of those issues:
- They don’t have an unlimited amount of time to talk to you.
- They aren’t actually in a divorce or have been divorce.
- They won’t support you forever. If you keep complaining about your ex for the next 5 years I promise you they won’t listen with compassion forever.
- They aren’t professionals. They won’t always say the right thing. They may not even know what to say. All they can do is listen. Which is valuable but not necessarily forever.
2. A Support Group
The second type of support system you need is a group of people that are also going through divorce. People that are in the same place as you quickly develop a common bond. You need to be heard, you need perspective, you need to know that you are not the only one with these feelings of anger, sadness, and low self esteem.
People in divorce are hurting. You get perspective and a different kind of support when you are with peers.
You can share your deepest thoughts, you can relax a little. You are in a group that feels ashamed of the failure of their marriage. It’s okay. You are among friends.
The good news is that there are a LOT of support groups available to you. We have compiled our best suggestions below.
The Ultimate Divorce Support Guide
We have researched, asked the thousands of people that have taken our courses, and also personally used the resources listed in this guide to help people like you create a support system as you move through and adjust after divorce.
Let’s dive into our suggestions for getting support. We can’t stress enough how important this is so we are going to give you some suggestions right here, right now.
The other thing you need to do:
Remember above how we mentioned that there are two things that you need to do if you want to raise your scores?
Here it is, the truth
When people go through divorce the first thing they think of is often finding support. They want to talk to others, they look outside of themselves for a solution to the pain and struggle. That’s natural and it is important, as we discussed above.
Here’s the unfiltered truth: You won’t rebuild your life until look inside yourself. You can’t wait for the pain to go away and hope everything is better. Time doesn’t heal the wounds, it just scabs them over. If you bury your feelings, if you don’t learn to understand what happened and why, history will repeat itself.
THE BAD NEWS
You have to look inward
(It’s the only way)
We said that there are two things you need to do in order to raise your scores. Here’s the second thing.
You have to work on yourself.
You have to process what happened and why, then figure out how to not repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.
Let me ask you a question
If there was a way to be living a wonderful life, the way you want it to be, would you want to know more about it?
There IS a program. One that works. One that thousands of people have used. Its proven. Its tested. A program that dramatically changes peoples lives. In a matter of weeks, not years.
Until now it has only been available locally, to people that live near Boulder, Colorado. For the last 25 years people have been taking a seminar that helps them through the hardest time of their life.
We are now bringing the material that Bruce Fisher (remember the guy at the beginning) online. We are making it available to everyone. We are now making it available to you.
You that you can release the hurt, and anger, and shame not in years but in weeks.
Watch the video!
CASE STUDY 01
Jamie is a mother of two. She is a teacher. She was married for more than 15 years. It was not a healthy marriage. In the last 2 years she started realizing she needed to get out for her sake, and her kids sake.
The 2 Phases
There are 2 phases that people go through as they heal from the effects of divorce. Most people that don’t take a program skip over the first phase.
Phase 1 - Processing the relationship
The first phase that you need to go through is processing the relationship.
- You are angry.
- You are hurt.
- You are sad.
- You are confused.
The Rebuilders program uses simple but powerful techniques to release the anger, the hurt, the sadness.
In the first modules we teach you how to put down this heavy weight. We move that emotion out of your body, the confusion and circling thoughts out of your head.
- You gain clarity.
- You sleep better.
- You laugh easily.
- You aren’t thinking about your ex anymore.
- You can focus on your kids and being the parent you want to be.
Phase 2 - Creating your future
The second phase that you need to go through is creating a new future. You need to reinvent yourself. Set new boundaries. Figure out how to date again. Learn to be with yourself (and enjoy it).
- What is healthy communication?
- What matters to you (and what doesn’t)?
- Being confident in yourself
- Learning to trust others (and yourself)
- Dating, relationships, sex – how does it work these days?
In our classes we talk about the above items and much more so that you can figure out what works for you, and what doesn’t.
The Rebuilders program uses the mountain as a symbol of the journey.
You start at the bottom and must climb the mountain to reach the top.
From Surviving to Thriving
The 20 Steps to Rebuilding your Life
Shown above are the most significant of the steps we use in the Rebuilding program for people dealing with divorce. As mentioned previously there are two stages to the Rebuilding process: 1) Processing the relationship and 2) Moving forward. Within these two phases we deal with the following 20 topics.
What is Rebuilders International?
Based on the work of Bruce Fisher
Taking the proven program to the world.
Thousands of people have taken the Rebuilders Seminar program in Boulder, Colorado over the last 20 years.
Nick Meima has been teaching the Rebuilders Program course since 2013. Now we are a company composed entirely of people that have experienced significant loss. Divorce, death, suicide, addiction. We all have our story. We can relate to you. We have been through the Rebuilders program not as employees but as students. We know the power of this program and we want to share it with you.
The Rebuilders Modules
Here is how we cover the 20 steps in our online class.
Book, FDAS, Survey, Prep for Class
Give yourself a few days
The Rebuilder Mountain, Denial, and Fear
CH 1, 2, 3
Behaviors: Mal-adaptive and Adaptive
CH 4, 5, 6
Understanding it, your history, expressing it
CH 7, 8
How we respond, underneath it, expressing it
How do we hide and defend ourselves? How to be authentic.
High vs Low, Practices, The Judging Critic
The Spectrum, Turning Inward, The Definition
CH 14, 15, 16
Forgiveness, how to create and live with purpose.
CH 10, 11,12
Understanding it, your history, expressing it
CH 18, 19
Authenticity, creating intimacy and friendships
The Rebuilders course has evolved over the years since Bruce Fisher first introduced it. Since then a lot of progress has been made in the understanding of psychology, loss of relationships, and the self development process. Nick has accumulated over 30 years of this progress and has folded it into the Rebuilders program. It is the most effective, beneficial program that anyone has ever taken.
Here’s how it works
The online course is 10 weeks long. Classes start every 5 weeks. Classes are on the same night each week. We have classes on Sundays at 5pm MST or Mondays at 6pm MST. Each class is 2 hours long.
Each class is limited to 8 participants!
Here’s what you get in the course!
Jen thought she was over the anger and sadness of her divorce. She was surprised ot find there was more and could finally be in a ‘healthy’ situation with her ex-husband.
Jamie was in a very dysfunctional relationship for a long time. She said “Til death do us part”, until she couldn’t take it anymore. Now she is a thriving, happy mother of two that learned that she is strong and that she can handle anything.
Carl and his wife had two boys. He was married 27 years. They tried counseling. He read self-help books: How to fix himself, how to fix his marriage. It helped a little. But he kept running into people that said. You need to take Rebuilders. So he did. And that is when his life changed dramatically.
WATCH HIS VIDEO »
Weekly with Nick
Rebuilders Online Course
(A $10,000 Value)
The Rebuilders program changes people lives. It can take people from one of the hardest times of their life into living the life they have always wanted to live. It provides people with skills for communication that they never learned before. It gives people essential understanding of themselves and others so that they can be in control of their feelings and emotions, rather than being subject to what others say or do. It provides a roadmap to healthy relationships. It helps release the anger, sadness, and confusion that people get in divorce.
THIS COURSE IS AMAZING.
We could charge thousands of dollars for it. Many students have said it is worth more than anything they have EVER done.
But we don’t want to. We want to make the world a better place. The world needs to come together. We need understanding, compassion, grace, and love more than any other time.
We want the Rebuilders program to be accessible to everyone.
We know that when parents are happy, kids have a better chance of being raised in a healthy, nurturing environment. We know that kids that are caught between parents in a divorce that they will have issues FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. We don’t want that to happen. We want to break the chain of kids with childhood trauma.
Divorce Online Class
Weekly with Nick
Sign up NOW
Next class starts February 3rd at 6pm
(Every Sunday for 10 weeks)
One -time cost
Three payments of $177
Here’s the point where you start finding reasons NOT to do the class. That’s cool with us IF you want to try something else.
You probably didn’t wake up today planning to do something like this. No one ever does. We usually wake up wanting to be free of the pain and the hurt and anger. But how do you move through the suffering? Remember, time doesn’t solve it. It masks it, you get used to it. But you will carry it with you until to deal with it. Head on. So, if you don’t want to do our program, then please, for yourself, for your kids. Do something. Take action.
The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.
Years ago I remember hearing someone tell me that we all hit a point where we realize that we don’t know what we don’t know.
Similarly, we all hit a point where we realize that what have tried everything that we know, and things still aren’t working.
No one is an expert in the entire divorce recovery process when they go through it. Do you know how many therapists go through the Rebuilders program? A LOT. Even they need a coach. Even they need a guide. And guess what? They often report that they learn so much from this program that they never knew.
We wish we could offer you a quick fix, a pill, anything that would make the pain go away.
The hurt that you feel CAN come out. You CAN be happy again. The Rebuilders program is the most effective, long lasting solution EVER. There is no other program for divorce that has been running for so long, for so many people, that TRULY WORKS.
If you aren’t expanding your life, you are contracting.
— Tony Robbins
Divorce Online Class
Weekly with Nick
Sign up NOW
Next class starts February 3rd at 6pm
(Every Sunday for 10 weeks)
One -time cost
Three payments of $177
This offer is not available later
($100 off if you sign up now)
We are committed to helping people recover from the effects of divorce. We know that it is a challenging time. Let us know if you have any questions that we can answer for you.
Let’s recap what we have covered:
We only offer this discount so that people take action. You won’t find this price on our website. It is only through this offer that you can get the $100 off.
If, after all that we have offered above, and you are still unsure if this class will work for you. Let us set up a time to talk. We are here to support you.
You may schedule a call with one of our facilitators to talk about our programs and what your scores mean.
If there is ANYTHING else we can do to help please know that we are here.
The last thing we offer is a phone number: You can call us right now at 1 (800) 535-9027 extension 700.
The middle is messy, but that is where the magic begins.
— Brene Brown