I’m sorry you are here but my goal is that you are thankful you found us. We have a tremendous array of resources available to you help you.
A few things to consider: when you are divorcing that can mean a LOT of different things. Generally there are two phases: total chaos and a lot less chaos. The average divorce takes about 11 months. That’s a long time and a lot happens in there. Lawyers, Living Situation, Finance Issues, Parenting, and a whole lot of emotions (usually).
For me, my wife told me in April 2017 that she wanted out and we spiraled downhill until she moved out September 28, 2017. That summer was a blur. That was the “total chaos” phase. Once she moved out there was less chaos and cleaning up the mess left by the summer chaos. The biggest piece that I was unable to simple “handle” were my emotions and thoughts.
If you are in the first phase of “total chaos” then a lot of what you are trying to do is simply get through the day. I recommend a few things:
- Your children come first. Protect them from the chaos. Do not let them see you and your Ex fighting. Do not use them against your Soon To Be Ex (STBX). No matter how you feel take the high road. Otherwise it will come back to haunt you 100 times more.
- Take care of yourself second. This cannot be neglected. For many people taking care of others is easy. But taking care of yourself? Some people have never done that before. We have written some guides for basic self care. These are things that you can do to sooth your raw emotions, calm your thoughts, and nourish your body.
- Deal with the divorce to the best of your ability. Understand that there are a lot of hurt emotions on both sides, whether your ex wants you to see it or not. You take care of you and try not to hurt them. I regret some things I said and did during my divorce. Most people do. But don’t let yourself off the hook. Just get through it. Be as nice as you can to your STBX.
Psychology Today Library
There are a LOT of books to check out about divorce. My favorite is Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. In it she explains WHY communication fails and how to fix it. Here is a quote from her book:
“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas. Indeed, the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later.”
— Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
Crazy Time: Surviving divorce and Building a New Life
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser
- Esther Perel: Rethinking Infidelity
- Jenna McCarthy: What You Don’t Know About Marriage
- Tamara D. Afifi: The Impact of Divorce on Children
- Michelle Rozen: Do You Really Qualify for Divorce?
- David Sbarra: Surviving Divorce
- Renee Williams: How to Rock Your Divorce
- Astro and Danielle Teller: The Sacred Cows of Marriage and Divorce
- Alyssa Monks: Finding Beauty in Imperfection
- Herve G. Wery: Divorce, Separation: Love Your Children No Matter What